7. Authenticity

Relationships: Originally posted Jan 05, 2016 by Randi Gunther Ph.D. from her blog at https://randigunther.blogspot.com.

Today we are studying number seven of nine. (1. Surprise// 2. Intrigue// 3. Timelessness// 4.Quickened// 5. Fear// 6. Certainty// 7. Authenticity// 8. Synergy// 9. Home.

Authenticity

Most people present themselves in new relationships as the best package they think the other partner might want. They regularly withhold anything about themselves that might challenge the potential of the relationship’s getting better. They understandably reason that they’ll know more as they feel more secure.
In relationships that harbor the potential of true love, people almost immediately feel the desire to confess and share everything about themselves, whether negative or positive. They just don’t want to hold anything back. They feel immediately courageous, wanting to know and be known, no matter what the outcome.
“I’d been around the block a few times, and I knew how to posture pretty well in new relationships so that the woman would want to keep dating if I liked her. I had it down and it worked pretty well every time. I usually was the one to get tired of the relationship, and didn’t mind the occasional times I got dropped before I was ready. I’d improve the act and get out there again. Then this crazy, emotional girl showed up in my life. She was incredibly present and marvelously quirky. We talked twelve straight hours the first night we were together. I found myself telling her every important thing that had ever happened to me, including stupid stuff. She laughed everywhere she was supposed to and cried when I did. I felt the weight of my old patterns lift off of me, and I never wanted to go back to being that hidden guy again.”

Bob: That's hard to top. So I won't try. I'll just observe that we have all just felt immediately safe around certain people whether lovers or friends. Bottle that, right? Understand it, hard to figure. For me, the feeling that you can say anything and hear anything in completely and immediately open hearts is liberating. Treasure and nurture that person.

6. Certainty

Relationships: Originally posted Jan 05, 2016 by Randi Gunther Ph.D. from her blog at https://randigunther.blogspot.com.

Today we are studying number six of nine. (1. Surprise// 2. Intrigue// 3. Timelessness// 4.Quickened// 5. Fear// 6. Certainty// 7. Authenticity// 8. Synergy// 9. Home.

Certainty

Many new lovers feel overwhelmed and obsessed with each other. Those feelings are typical of a beginning romance when two people are newly physically attracted. They can’t get enough of each other and spend long hours building and satisfying those feelings. If the sexual relationship is compatible in terms of frequency and depth, most would feel very certain that things were off to a good start.

The feelings of certainty in a potentially long-term relationship are different from the very beginning of more typical relationships. Though they include mutual attraction, there is much more. My long-term couples tell me that they felt almost immediately grounded, quiet, and serious, totally convicted that they would end up together. It was as if fate had intervened, telling them that their unbelievable connection was real and they could trust its promise.

“I’d dated a lot of men, some great, some not so. I really wasn’t looking to get long-term serious but not rejecting the idea if it happened someday. My first reaction to Ned was very physical. He was beautiful to look at and moved in a way that excited me. We dated a few times before we went to bed and the physical connection was good. But something happened after he fell asleep. I was looking at him and my heart wouldn’t settle down. I started wondering what it would be like to never leave him. I told myself, ‘seriously, after a month? What’s wrong with you?’ It didn’t matter. He woke up and looked at me: ‘You’re special, you know.’ That was it.”

Bob: A friend said: I was overwhelmed by her physically and she was giddy around me. Giddy is great in my book because it tells me that it would not be a one way street. We were a physical match. Then we got to talking. It wasn't earth shaking, it was comforting, and for an introvert, well, I never felt this before. We were and are always in sync. If we rarely disagree we effortlessly (with nobody's feelings hurt) reach a compromise. We mesh.

Why?

Why is the only word you’ll need to write fiction and sometimes it won’t show up on the page. If you don’t have a why for the story and the characters, you have nothing.

I attended a Zoom meeting of my fellow writers put on by RWASD. Famous author and great person, Lisa Kessler, spoke of the art of writing. Specifically, she addressed how every drama is driven by a black moment when all seems lost. She spoke of our characters’ deepest fears, how change must come, of their secrets, and what would happen if the secrets were exposed.

Then she asked if anybody would like to talk about his or her WIP (work in progress). I’ll use my response as an example.

Bob: I’m at 50 pages so far. My heroine is an FBI Special Agent.

Lisa: Why?

Bob: [Boiled down to] She was raped at age twelve. (Of course, there are many reasons why a person chooses a career in law enforcement.)

Lisa found that compelling. What about the hero?

Bob: The hero is an investigative reporter for the NY Times. He likes notching his bedpost.

Lisa: Why?

Bob: Does a guy need a reason?

Lisa: There’s always a reason. [Me: In life and fiction our characters, and us are always driven by reasons. What I had not yet done in my story was dig into what made the hero act and feel that way.]

So we discussed.

Conclusion: the hero’s mother left him and his father while he was growing up.

We discussed how the hero and heroine would have mutual black moment, how they’d change throughout the story, and how that would affect their relationship. We talked more about how the black moment could be mutual and that, that would be perfect for the story.

The why of the story and the characters is critical to any compelling, memorable fiction.

What is your why?

5. Fear

Relationships: Originally posted Jan 05, 2016 by Randi Gunther Ph.D. from her blog at https://randigunther.blogspot.com.

Today we are studying number five of nine. (1. Surprise// 2. Intrigue// 3. Timelessness// 4.Quickened// 5. Fear// 6. Certainty// 7. Authenticity// 8. Synergy// 9. Home.

FEAR
In the beginning of a new relationship, most people try hard to limit their investment. Though they don’t want to be hurt or disappointed, they don’t expect to win the lottery. “Nothing ventured; nothing lost, seems to be a good beginning.

Though those feelings of unsureness and anxiousness can make anyone a little apprehensive, most relationship-seekers continue searching despite them. They expect that fear of loss is supposed to accompany every new venture, but persist nevertheless.

If a new relationship has the capability of long-lasting love, that apprehensive feeling has a distinctly different flavor. Many of my couples have described those early responses as something like being on the edge of a cliff and wondering if they could fly. They just could not give up the chance to hold on to what they were experiencing, no matter what happened.

“My friends had watched me for years, handling each relationship with the same confident air of a person who doesn’t get too close to anyone. I’d been burned in the past and I routinely handled my dates from a non-risk perspective. I had great times with a lot of women, but never seriously considered sticking around with anyone. Fearless and over-protective, I was totally comfortable in my style. Then Natalie showed up in my life. We worked together for a few weeks and she didn’t seem interested. As I got to know her, I had this strange feeling. I was getting very, very interested in this person, and I was, like, scared. Not scared of winning, more scared of losing, like I wouldn’t be able to bear it if she went away. Every day made the fear stronger and the desire even more so. When she told me she wanted to know me better, I felt like crying.”

BOB: Aren't most of us worried about finding a partner. Fear can make for awkward cute meets (in real life too). Who hasn't wanted a boy/girl to approach at a high school dance but became frozen by fear. Why? Perhaps we didn't know what we were doing. Later in life, some lessons learned we make attempts, and realize that to fail is okay. It's like what we writers do when we plaster our walls with rejection slips. Believe in yourself and always do your best.

Maryln Monroe once said that she'd prefer a guy who was unsure of himself and shy around her rather than the life of the party. [I couldn't find the exact quote, but the meaning is clear. If a guy is unsure if he could approach a great beauty (like her) because of rejection, but you could tell by looking at him that he wants to. Well Marilyn will walk up to him.]

A friend: "I'm just an okay looking guy, she was stunning. We were introduced and I tried small talk. She seemed interested. It turned out we had similar interests and life experiences. I never asked her out, but we kept seeing each other at weekly parties. She told me later that she could stand it no longer. She asked me out and I said yes. I keep saying yes to my lovely inside and out wife."

Love is Blind

Love is Blind
Love is Blind is the name of a Netflix show. It is also a cliché. But where’s the truth? On the show, the psychologists suggest that we place too much emphasis on the visual, which inhibits us from actually knowing the other person. Therefore, take away the visual and allow the potential couples to just talk and explore each other separated by a wall. As couples “interview” various possible mates, some begin to discover and feel a strong pull to one person. They dig further and fall in love.

In our everyday world, and occasionally, a person is blown away by another’s personality. They start listening. They want more. The person does not fit their usual visual preconceptions, but something screams “you’re my person.” They marry.

On the show, after a limited time, the contestants must choose a partner via a proposal to blow down the wall. Artificial, yes. Bad, nope. The couples confront a truth, that they are suited for each other, no matter their looks. They all enter the show wanting to get married anyway (unless they’re lying). At this point in the show some couples falter. The looks make them doubt. The doubt sometimes leads to break ups. For entertainment purposes, the show is a good see. As a matter of philosophy and for those who like to delve into the human psyche, the show is outstanding. The defect comes from the producers forcing the couples to follow deadlines Netflix sets. All shows have a measure of unreality due to scheduling constraints. This show has a generous helping of true love. I recommend it.

4. Quickened

Relationships: Originally posted Jan 05, 2016 by Randi Gunther Ph.D. from her blog at https://randigunther.blogspot.com.

Today we are studying number four of nine. (1. Surprise// 2. Intrigue// 3. Timelessness// 4.Quickened// 5. Fear// 6. Certainty// 7. Authenticity// 8. Synergy// 9. Home.

4. Quickened

The intense drive of sexual attraction is part of every new relationship but there are additional feelings when true, long-lasting love is a possibility. The sense of being alive is felt simultaneously and in every cell in the body. The heart feels as if it is opening, the mind is engaged, the senses are awakened, and a feeling of transcendence often emerges.

Couples who have stayed in love for a long time tell me that both of them felt as if something were transforming inside of them, a kind of awakening they had not often felt before, like they made an energy together neither had known in the same way before.  

“It was a fix-up date so I really didn’t expect anything, except two of my good friends arranged it so I knew I wouldn’t be totally disappointed, whoever he turned out to be. I had no idea that what happened could have ever happened. He gave me a great hug when I first walked into the restaurant and then kind of pushed me back a little and laughed like someone who had just been given a present. At first I didn’t even know what or how to feel, but something came over me I’d never felt before, like being given a shot of adrenaline and a tranquilizer at the same time, totally calm but unbelievably alive. I knew that something special was happening but I had no idea how special it would turn out to be.”

Bob's comments: Sometimes the urge to mate is so strong it overwhelms all our senses. It sounds crude but that's chemistry taken to the nth degree. Of course, a gentleman restrains himself and looks for the lifeboats because he wants to survive the drowning.

"I had no idea what to do when I first talked to her. I wanted to take her home and make love to her all day, forever. I'm normally shy, but on the fateful day my mouth and mind were on two different frequencies. I asked her if she'd like to hook-up today. She laughed at me and with the greatest smile you'd ever want to see she said, maybe someday. I became rational. Somehow she wasn't offended. Somehow she liked me too. Perhaps she felt the same pull, but knew better. We've been married now for six years and we just can't get enough of each other, if you know what I mean.

3. Timelessness

Relationships: Originally posted Jan 05, 2016 by Randi Gunther Ph.D. from her blog at https://randigunther.blogspot.com.

Today we are studying number three of nine. (1. Surprise// 2. Intrigue// 3. Timelessness// 4.Quickened// 5. Fear// 6. Certainty// 7. Authenticity// 8. Synergy// 9. Home.


3. Timelessness

Most people are acutely aware and too reliant upon how they are controlled by time. What happened in the past, what is happening now, and what might happen in the future are often omni-present concerns in most people’s minds. Past mistakes and future concerns dominate most people’s search for an intimate partner and they know that correct timing is essential. They plan how to approach a potential partner, when to make a move, and how and when to navigate the next step. They know that too fast an approach can push a person away, but so can too much passivity.

My couples who found true love tell me that one of the first things they noticed when they met each other was that time and timing just didn’t come into play. They truly remember that time did stand still.

“I’d usually moved pretty fast in the past. I didn’t want to waste time with a woman who wasn’t exciting to look at, or quickly held my attention. I guess you would have described me as urgent about not making any more mistakes and being able to get out of a relationship soon if it didn’t work out right away. I’ll never forget the afternoon I met Jeannie. She was having coffee with some friends at Starbucks. I just kept looking at her until she started laughing and asked me if I was on drugs. We started talking and my old patterns just didn’t kick in. My need to rapidly access the potential just disappeared. As dumb as that sounds, it felt as if time stood still, like I didn’t want what I was feeling to end. I think I would have waited forever for her to be in my life.”

Comments by Bob: When the stars align, or when your heart patters like never before, you stand on the precipice of discovering your very own person. Everything feels perfect, especially the timing. After the relationship takes off you might reflect that it didn't seem to matter when, where, or how you met your partner. You could have had a cute meet or a real disaster. Something within us all lights as path.
Guy #3: "When I saw her I had to break out of my introverted self and say something. I noticed that she was going crazy in a zany way around me. Why me? And what was it that she felt? I didn't care. It just worked and still works. Somehow no matter what I said she was in sync. Neither I or she could make a mistake. It felt like she and I shared two brains [and one heart].

2. Intrigue

Relationships: Originally posted Jan 05, 2016 by Randi Gunther Ph.D. from her blog at https://randigunther.blogspot.com.

Today we are studying number 2 of nine. (1. Surprise// 2. Intrigue// 3. Timelessness// 4.Quickened// 5. Fear// 6. Certainty// 7. Authenticity// 8. Synergy// 9. Home.

2. Intrigue

Everyone starts a new relationship with some kind of physical attraction. That’s natural. But intrigue is different. There’s a unique kind of interest in the way that potential partner moves, or the sound of his or her voice. People tell me that they just wanted the other person to keep talking, connecting, and staying, like they couldn’t get enough of the experience and didn’t know why. They felt their interest and desire to connect growing from the moment they started connecting.

“I saw him first from the back. He was listening intently to another girl but not like someone who was just looking for sex. More like genuinely interested in who she was. His stance was, I don’t know, just kind. I loved the tilt of his head so I moved a little closer, hoping to get a better feel for what I was experiencing. When I could see and hear him better, something inside of me started to purr. Maybe someone else wouldn’t feel that way, but I just knew that I had to know who was inside that person.

"I did something I’ve never done before. I noticed what he was drinking, and got him another like it at the bar. When he broke from the conversation with the other girl, I handed it to him. He started laughing and told me he’d absolutely never been approached that way before. I told him I’d never approached anyone that way before. Then I started laughing. The warmth between us was palpable, and I’d only known him for three minutes.”

Bob's comments: Some men and women don't communicate too well, so they retain their respective male/female slants on how to be social. It's a sure sign you've found someone for you, if the sound of their voice, the way they carry themselves, transcends your male or female world.
From a guy: "I have never been one of the girls who could sit and chat about the inane or profound. I had my buddies for our versions of the same. But with this new gal I met, we'll, I can't get enough of her banter, no matter the subject. We're married now. I seek her out just to hear her voice."