THE TWELVE DELAYS OF CHRISTMAS 2012

This one is truly a male's point of view.

THE TWELVE DELAYS OF CHRISTMAS was read by it's author, Orin Parker, before our weekly critique group.

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS by Orin Parker, 2012

On the first day of Christmas my true love said to me

My darling, go buy us a nice Christmas tree

On the second day of Christmas my true love said to me

Please pick up two sets of bulbs
And dear, don't forget the tree

On the third day of Christmas, my true love said to me

I’ll need three strings of lights
The two sets of bulbs
 . . . And, love, the tree

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love instructed me

Bring me four plastic angels
And the three strings of light
The two sets of bulbs
And, Husband, remember—buy the tree

On the fifth day of Christmas, she raised her voice at me

I’ll need five golden bows
Four plastic angels
Three strings of light
Two sets of bulbs
And . . . go get the tree

On the sixth day of Christmas, my wife glared at me

I need six sprigs of holly
Five golden bows
Four plastic angels
Three strings of lights
Two sets of bulbs
Maybe you don’t know where to find a tree?

On the seventh day of Christmas, wifey punched me

I’ll require seven garland wreaths
Six sprigs of holly
Five golden bows
Four plastic angels
Three strings of lights
Two sets of bulbs
And get off your butt and find a tree

On the eighth day of confusion, my true love turned off the tv

I want eight tinkling bells
Seven garland wreaths
You-who six sprigs of holly
Five golden bows
Four plastic angels
Three strings of light
Two sets of bulbs
Go buy, cut down or steal a tree

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love went berserk on me

Listen to me: get nine books of stamps
Eight tinkling bells
Seven garland wreaths
Six sprigs of holly
Five golden bows
Four plastic seals
Three strings of light
Two sets of bulbs
You can sleep in a thorn tree

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true-pain put me out and took my key

At the door she shouted: in ten minutes I want every thing on that list. See?
Oh ah maybe she wanted ah ten minutes??
Nine pounds of holly?
Eight plastic pumpkins
Six no seven laser pointers
Six golden mistletoes
Five tulip bulbs
Four Judy Garland ablums
Three airmail stamps
Two tinker bells
And get the cat out of the tree??

On the eleventh day of Christmas, trully mad she screamed: this is not our cat, ho---ney

But I also brought home eleven crates containing
Ten Judy Garlands, yey!?
Nine outdoor lights
Eight silver bowls
Seven sidewinder missiles
Six fresh baked bagels
Five large light bulbs
Four jack-o-lanterns
Three frosted donuts
Two pumpkin pies
And an artificial palm tree

On the twelfth day of Christmas, she let me watch tv

But cursed me with twelve strange words
Then she took back the eleven crates
Traveling ten extra miles
Scouring nine crowded stores
To find eight decorations
With only seven hours left
Before our six relatives arrived
In their five Chevrolets
Bringing four lousy fruitcakes
Three noisy kids
Arguing over two candy canes
But we ate partridge by the palm and tv

I’m glad she returned the sidewinders. Merry Christmas.

Slight abridging and edits by RW Richard

 

IT'S A WONDEFUL LIFE, 1946 . . . An Angel gets his wings . . .